Battle Tactics

BISHOP and fat GENERAL are standing on the stage, they always seem to be focusing at something off in the distance. There are vague sounds of war in the background. Each time the GENERAL moves, it is only one step at a time.  The BISHOP always walks diagonally to the way he is facing.

GENERAL: (Looking through binoculars) The battle seems to be going quite well, wouldn't you say?

BISHOP: Oh, yes sir, it does indeed.

GENERAL: I don't understand though, why are the infantrymen moving so slowly?

BISHOP: Maybe it's because you threatened to marry anyone who made it to the other side...

GENERAL: Threatened? That was a reward!

BISHOP: Have you seen your wife lately?

GENERAL: (Through binoculars) Oh, I'm sure Queeny's out there somewhere...

BISHOP: (Through binoculars) She's dead.

GENERAL: Oh, well, good thing I should have some spares soon then, isn't it? How are the battlements going? I've had an idea regarding their design.

BISHOP: (Hestiant) ....Sir?

GENERAL: I want them moving.


GENERAL: The battlements, I want them to move.

BISHOP: But, the structural integrity would have to be compromised in order to do that, they'd be destroyed in minutes.

GENERAL: Look, I'm the General here, I call the shots. When I say I want them moving I mean moving.

BISHOP: Okay, well, we can probably incorporate some sort of locomotion, but, they'll probably only be able to turn at right angles...

GENERAL: (Looking through binoculars) Whatever, just make it happen. I must say, ordering those three legged horses was a brilliant idea, we saved 25% on horse shoes!

BISHOP: (Through binoculars) Though, they do seem to keep veering off to the side every time they try to advance.

GENERAL: (Not listening) ....I could put that money towards some Deep Blue lingerie.

Awkward Pause

BISHOP: (Listening through giant earhorn, if possible) Sir, I'm getting a report, the enemy's General has destroyed one of our battlements, singlehandedly!

GENERAL: What? But, how? Heavens to Murgatroid!

BISHOP: Well, you know how you wanted the battlements to move?


BISHOP: Well, we put wheels on them... and they sort of... got away.

GENERAL: That's not good enough, why didn't you put brakes on them?

BISHOP: It's a battlement, you can't stop a moving battlement.

GENERAL: Well, what about the other one?

BISHOP: (Through binoculars) Um, it's stopped.  It can't get past our infantryman.

GENERAL: Are you telling me that a battlement, so large, and mighty, and massive, and large, that we couldn't put brakes on it was stopped, by infantryman.


GENERAL: Very well, this is becoming somewhat of a dire situation, I would go out there to help, but these haemorroids only let me move one step at a time.

Opposing Black King and Black Bishop enter.  King moves uber slow, one step at a time.  Bishop goes diagonally, the two Bishops are on different colours.

BISHOP 1: You!

BISHOP 2: You!

The General and the Black King rush to attack each other, moving one step at a time, alternately, they'll have a space between them, and they can't get closer than 1 metre appart.  Meanwhile the Bishops are trying to attack each other, moving diagonally, but they can't attack each other because they are on different colours.

GENERAL: You surrender!

KING: No, you surrender!

GENERAL: I think we're a bit stuck here, you can't win and neither can I.

KING: Yeah, well... (Quick draws gun and shoots General)

Lights down.

Possible addition after lights down: Science Revue would like to advise that the previous punchline was created by a black person.  We are not racist.  Dawg.