Bogan the Barbarian

Half-done sketch from camp. Jordan came up with ideas for a video version as well.

VO: Beyond the civilised world you know, there is a land of wonder, a land of danger, a land of adventure... Western Sydney. And in this land of adventure, one working bloke has stood above the rest. His lower-class exploits are legendary. He is...

(the lights go up on a man. Mullet, shorts, open flannel shirt and thongs, beer can, etc. He strikes a heroic pose in front of a couch (or some chairs, whatever). Closed door nearby.)

VO: Bogan the Barbarian! He roams Western Sydney, from the borderlands of Granville to the wastelands of Richmond, fighting for peace and justice and to protect Australian jobs from ethnic people. Wait, that can't be right.

(he finds his place as the token wacky sidekick, THAT GUY, enters and poses beside Bogan.)

VO: And... That Guy! Robin to his Batman, Toto to his Dorothy, Peter Costello to his Howard.

TG: I went to TAFE!

VO: Together they go on amazing adventures, risking their lives for fame and glory.

(they stop posing and relax on the couch. BOGAN scratches his groin and sniffs.)

VO: Today they face their most epic challenge yet.

BOGAN: Hmm... there's footy on Channel Nine... but there's porn on SBS...

(both look at each other and rub their chins thoughtfully, before someone behind the door knocks.)

MADDISON: (yelling) Oi!

BOGAN: (yelling) Open!

VO: The beautiful Maddison, Princess of Penrith! She has come with an urgent quest.

(MADDISON enters in the meantime. Ugg boots, etc.)

MADDISON: (that accent that makes you sound like a parrot) Got a smoke?

BOGAN: (dramatically but still bogan) Oh fair Sheila! I am verily stoked by your presence, but it is dangerous for you to be seen in this criminal hellhole.

VO: (also dramatically) Blacktown!

MADDISON: Oh, Bogan! I have travelled far to reach you, by any means necessary, no matter how dangerous!

VO: The train!

MADDISON: For you see, I have an urgent quest for you, one which is very important to my people and I – and I'm your girl, so you better fuckin' do it, alright?

BOGAN: All right, Cuh-rist! What is it now?

MADDISON: You must journey to a far-away place...

VO: Parramatta!

MADDISON: To our sacred temple...

VO: Centrelink!

MADDISON: And defeat a dark wizard who lurks there!

VO: A dark wizard!

JORDAN'S VIDEO VERSION (maybe next year?)

Tense music (“Blues Dream” by Bill Frisell). A few panning shots of various western suburbs things – urban sprawl, old brick pub, congested road, etc.


Must feature:

            BOGAN sits on a deck chair on the tray of a ute, holding reigns, like a chariot.

            BOGAN has BBQ tongs tucked in his belt like a sword.

            BOGAN travels to battle with the NORTH SHORE WANKER