A crime scene. An UNLUCKY BASTARD is lying dead on the stage. BRIANNA is presiding over everything. ALEX enters. ALEX: What have we got? BRIANNA: One dead body, white, female. Julia Potter. The family’s been notified. University student, keen amateur kayaker, gave generously to charity. ALEX: And how did she die? BRIANNA: Well, that’s the thing. We don’t know! Forensics has been here for hours, and so far, we've got no cause of death. ALEX: Looks like it could be a tough one, all right. Music sting! CSI investigators enter; HORATIO, TINA and SAM. HORATIO: I declare this crime scene (puts on sunglasses) open for investigation. ALEX: Who are you? SAM: We’re CSI! TINA: Out of the way! TINA and SAM start doing exactly what the others have been doing. HORATIO remains where he was. SAM: I see you regular cops have been blundering around, drawing your ridiculous conclusions as usual. BRIANNA: What, that the victim is dead? SAM: Exactly. HORATIO: If only you could find... (Sunglasses) your credibility.(music sting.) TINA: We’ll take it from here. Get away, you’re contaminating the crime scene. (starts messing around with the body without gloves on) SAM: Did you dolt-heads find anything at all? ALEX: A few of the victim's fingerprints, an iphone and a candlestick. But we have no idea how she died. It’s as though this perfectly healthy twenty-year-old just dropped dead of her own accord. HORATIO: People don’t just drop dead of their own accord... (sunglasses) except when they do. (Sting) BRIANNA: Yes, but what does it mean? HORATIO: it means that our murder victim... (sunglasses) may have been murdered. (Sting) SAM: What do we know about the victim? BRIANNA: Well, she was a student, she gave to charity, and she was a keen kayaker. HORATIO: A kayaking victim! I guess that means she was up a creek... (sunglasses) ALEX: She also liked... HORATIO: (interrupting)...without a paddle. (Sting) TINA: Once again, you guys have missed out a lot here. ALEX: Like what? SAM: Let me demonstrate. I have this blue light. It lets me see evidence. BRIANNA: What type of evidence? SAM: All types of evidence. Blood, semen, hair... once I found my keys. (pause) They were behind the couch. Sam turns on the light, looks at the body with it and then looks around a bit. He reaches the candlestick, and suddenly stops. BRIANNA: There's something on the candlestick! SAM: It's blood! BRIANNA: How do you know it’s not semen... or your keys? TINA: So the candlestick is the murder weapon. SHERLOCK HOLMES and DOCTOR WATSON enter. HOLMES: Did somebody say candlestick? TINA: Oh my god! It's Sherlock Holmes, and his friend... that other guy. WATSON: Hello! SAM: Can you help us with this murder case? HOLMES: Certainly. Just give me some space, and my friend Doctor Watson will give you an excellent Medical opinion. Watson? WATSON: Holmes! She’s dead! HOLMES: Ah! I suspected as much. Tell me, how did she die? BRIANNA: It looks like she was brained by a candlestick. HOLMES: Hmm... Tell me. This lady, does she have an evil twin? BRIANNA: No. HOLMES: Has she stolen any kind of government paper that could bring down civilisation as we know it? BRIANNA: No. HOLMES: Is her family plagued by an evil Dog from the Pits of Hell? BRIANNA: No. HOLMES: ... strange. It’s usually one of those three. I am afraid to say I am at a loss. Don’t write that down, Watson. The sound of the TARDIS materialising, possibly a blue light, and THE DOCTOR enters. DOCTOR: Hello everyone! Blimey! Look at all of you! (He licks his finger, tastes the air, etc, Does Doctory stuff) So what’s going on here, then? SAM: I’m sorry, who is this? HOLMES: This is the Doctor! TINA: Doctor Who? DOCTOR: Exactly! Hello, I’m the Doctor. HOLMES: Yes, he’s a time lord, an alien from the planet Gallifrey who travels through time and space. We need your help, Doctor. There’s a mystery here that needs solving. DOCTOR: Well, I suppose I can help. I am brilliant, after all. What have we got then? HOLMES: This poor girl was killed by that candlestick. DOCTOR: Hang on... (looks at it) Oh, wait... let me look at... ooh, you're a... are you? Oh, you aren't. BRIANNA: What? DOCTOR: I thought it was a candlestick from the planet Waxon. Tricky little buggers, those Waxons. But no, it’s just a regular candlestick. Which is brilliant, by the way. Love candlesticks. ALEX: Okay. What now? DOCTOR: I’m sure we can still get to the bottom of this. HORATIO: Trouble is, that the bottom... (sunglasses) is a long way down. (Sting) DOCTOR: A sense of perspective! I like you! Brilliant! This is fun! So we have no idea whatsoever who killed her? SAM: Absolutely none. HOLMES: But wait, if you look at the dining room window... BRIANNA: It's open! WATSON: How strange! TINA: So hang on, according to Julia’s iPhone, she would have finished Kayak training at 5 o'clock sharp. SAM: And given the state of the traffic, she would have arrived here at exactly... 5:43pm. HOLMES: Ah, yes! But if you look at her shoes you observe a slightly muddy adhesion which indicated she walked through mud on her way home, making her trek slower, so she wouldn’t have arrived here until… 5:47 pm! HORATIO: One thing we do know is... she was alive... (sunglasses) when they killed her. DOCTOR: 5:47? Blimey! At that
exact time, a ripple in the space-time continuum swept through here from the
horsehead nebula, causing massive winds in this vicinity! BRIANNA: So that's what killed her? DOCTOR: Blimey! And if we look around... (shines sonic screwdriver) SAM: (to Brianna) See - all good detectives have a blue light. The sonic screwdriver beeps as the Doctor narrows in on some keys on the ground. DOCTOR: Aha! ALEX: What is it? TINA: Blood? HOLMES: Semen? HORATIO: Credibility? DOCTOR: No… Her keys! Hard lights down. |