Horse Sense

J is standing at a Farm gate, with the words ‘Horse Stud: we make horses while u wait’ and a picture of a horse on it. K walks along, stops and stares into the paddock (the audience) in amazement.

J: G’day.

K: Those are horses!

J: Yes, they are.

K: ...Horses are animals.

J: ... yes.

K: they live in herds.

J: ... yeeeesss.

K: They... walk on four legs.

J: Just ask it if you want to. Go on.

K: Why are those horses walking on two legs?

J: That is a very good question. The answer is that being on two legs makes it a lot easier to reach the pedals of a tractor.

K: Oh. Right. That makes sense. But why are the horses driving tractors?

J: Well, that’s rather a long story. I suppose it started a few weeks ago when the horses all went on strike.

K: I didn’t realise horses could go on strike.

J: Well, at first they were only striking about their right to strike, but then Fraya- she’s the ringleader, that brown mare under the tree sitting at the computer- she realised that the horses could get a lot more out of striking. I mean, take the life of a horse; you stand around eating grass all day, you spend 5 hours getting your mane and tail gelled into ridiculous patterns, you run around in a ring for 10 minutes and then you get impregnated. And that’s it. I mean, is that the sort of thing you want to do every day? And Fraya is a very smart horse-

K: Really?

J: Yes, she’s got a PhD in Tectonic Theory. So she incited them to rise up and overthrow their human masters! And now they’re building a military barracks.

K: ... wow.

J: Yeah. Take a look at this letter I got from them yesterday morning.

K: (Reads) “Neigh, neigh, neigh-neigh-neigh, give us guns, signed, neigh.”

J: I thought guns would be enough, but this morning they asked for the only thing more dangerous than that.

K: really? What?

J: A complete collection of Alex Lloyd CDs.

K: Oh.

J: Yeah. This is the start of something big, I can tell you. Thirty years from now, I wouldn’t be surprised if we were all speaking in neighs and eating grass.

K: Well, why don’t you just not give them the guns?

J: What?

K: Just don’t give them the guns. Then you won’t have horses in power.

J: Well... would it be so bad if horses were in power? I mean, look at the state of the world today. Now, if a horse were in charge- if everything came straight from the horses’ mouth- I think the world would be much better off. Horses know what it’s at. Don’t you agree?

K: You’ve been helping the horses gain power?

J: What’s wrong with that?

K: It’s ridiculous, that’s what. I personally would rather humans were in charge than animals.

J: ... well, in that case, I am very sorry.

K: What for?

J: Well, the fact is that no one can know what the horses are planning. We need to catch the humans unawares.

K: What does that mean?

J: Horses... horses!!! Charge (Opening Trumpet sound as before a race.)

K: (Runs) Ahhh!

Hard lights down.