Posh restaurant

A riff of French sounding music and lights up on a posh French restaurant. A few tables with couples at them and maybe a violin (or clarinet, or something) player performing for one of the tables. He/she stops as soon as the dialogue starts. A Waiter is standing by the counter. An American Family walks in (Dad, Mum, Chastity, Wyatt) and approaches the counter.


Waiter: bonsoir, monsieur.


Dad: Hey, pal. You open for dinner?


Waiter: Oui, cevre, monsieur! Please come in.


Chastity: I don’t like this place! It smells weird!


Mum: Now, Chastity, be nice!


They sit down at a table.


Waiter: Would madam and monsieur care for an aperitif, or would they rather order straight away?


Dad: No, I’ll just have a burger and fries, thanks.


Waiter: … pardon?


Dad: Burger and fries.


Waiter: … I am afraid I am not sure what monsieur is talking about.


Dad: You know, like a burger. Like… two pieces of bread with some meat in between.


Waiter: What sort of meat, monsieur?


Dad: Well, like steak.


Waiter: ah, steak! Then you have come to the right place monsieur. We do the finest dry-aged steak in France. I would recommend, monsieur, the steak with shallots, quails’ eggs and champignons. The recipe is one of the chef’s most delicious creations.


Dad: No, I just want a burger and French fries.


Waiter: French Fries?


Mum: Maybe they don’t do French Fries, honey.


Dad: What are you talking about? This is France! Of course they do French Fries!


Waiter: Perhaps Monsieur would care to see the menu?


Dad: Menu! Okay. Now we’re getting somewhere.


The Waiter hands out menus.


Wyatt: Mom!


Mum: What’s the matter now, Wyatt?


Wyatt: I can’t read this. It’s in Paris talk.


Dad: Another one? Does nobody speak American?


Waiter: No, monsieur, we are in France, and so we speak French.


Dad: Well, that’s not my problem. Does anyone see anything they like?


Mum: Wyatt? What do you want, honey?


Chastity: You should ask me first, you know. I’m older than him by exactly five minutes!


Mum: Okay, Chastity. What do you want for dinner?


Chastity: I’m not hungry. I don’t like this place.


Wyatt: Me neither. It sucks.


Chastity: You suck.


Wyatt: You suck!


Mum: now, kids. Play nicely. (To Waiter) Do you do vegetarian?


Waiter: Of course madame! If I may suggest, le Salad d’Algerie. It is considered to be one of the finest vegetarian meals in France.


Dad: Are you a vegetarian?


Mum: We’ve been married for twelve years, honey.


Dad: You’re not a vegetarian. No, let me explain the problem. My wife doesn’t eat anything that has a face.


Waiter: None of our meals have a face, monsieur, except for the fish.


Mum: What about organic. Is all your stuff organic?


Waiter: But of course, madame! All our vegetables are grown on the slopes of the Pyrennes, without pesticides, and are cooked the same day they are taken out of the ground to ensure maximum flavour!


Mum: Well, in that case, we’re definitely going!!


Dad: What?


Mum: I’m not having the children eating organic food that insects have been at, honey. Come on!


Dad: Yeah, you’re right. This place is weird. Let’s go to McDonalds.


They get up and leave.


Waiter; Au revoir, monsieur.