Rudd-Turnbull rap

Rudd- Turnbull Rap

For Science Revue- Jurassic Quark



Lights up on a boxing arena, with right being Liberal and left being Labor. Ringmaster comes forward on to the stage; Starts with drumming, building up.

RING: Ladies and Gentleman, welcome one and all to 2009 Federal Leaders Debate (in rap form). Give us a round of applause for our first contestant, on our left in the red corner, coming all the way from Queensland, at 5ft 680 pounds; give it up for the probable loser:

 Kevin “07” Rudddddddd!

Kevin comes of stage and waves, shakes hands, laughs like a twerp, etc, etc.

RING: and on our right, in the blue corner, all the way from Wentworth in the Eastern suburbs, here to make our state proud, at 6ft, 585,000 pounds plus 100 million dollars in Australian money, give it up for the arrogant ass-hole Malcolm Turnbulllllll!

Malcolm comes on stage, also waves, shakes hands, laughs like a twerp, being arrogant etc, etc. Both people get microphones and head towards each other, giving each other death stares.

RING: right guys, I want a nice clean game from both of you, no cheap punches, no scandals, and no fake e-mails, you got that. Good, now toss (tosses a coin) Lands on red, Kevin is starting first. Go back to your corners and come out rapping, okay.

Both go back to their corners.

RING: Now, shall we get this rap on the road? (Audience screaming YES!) I don’t think I heard much. I said shall we get this rap on the road? (Audience screaming YES! louder) that’s better. NOW LET’S GO!

Bell rings, Kevin comes out ready to start singing, Malcolm waits for his turn.

KEV: Everybody, look at this arrogant twat

           His party is doomed, even he knows that,

            We’re leading popularity, by a large amount

            Just over 50 percent at my last count

            I’m the big guy, and you’re a sucker 

            I tell the truth, and you should suffer

You can’t be Prime Minister when you’re a liar,

            I think it’s time that you should retire.

Kevin shouts and applauds for his first verse calling on the audience to rally behind him. Malcolm gets up…

MAL:             At least I’m not a stupid looking twerp

            At least I don’t look like an annoying smurf,

            Kev, you’re doing nothing at all

            Which is not surprising, since your brains’ quite small,

            You’ve screwed our economy, you little twat

            300 billion dollars, a lot of money is that

What I’m doing now is what is right,

            So give up now, and get a life.

Malcolm also shouts and applauds for his first verse calling on the audience to rally behind him. Kev comes back.

KEV: Malcolm, you’re being an arrogant slob,

            I’m trying to give all Australians a job,

            My nation-building plan is starting to work

            The price is that the economy will hurt

            I’m pushing for change that was my plan

            I said sorry to the indigenous, and gave back land

            I’m investing in the future, to help the environment,

            You’re doing bugger all, so go to retirement.

Kevin shouts and applauds again, ramping it up

MAL:             Kev, you promised to be open and free

            To show Australians some ‘transparency’,

            You lied, you bullshited yet again

            Australian’s will eventually see when,

            I have defeated you at the polls

            They’ll see you’re all a lying bunch of trolls

            Oh, I can see how you’re so tense,

            Well let me tell you, at least I make some sense.

Malcolm shouts and applauds again, ramping it up, Kevin’s losing his temper and kicks his chair before going back towards Malcolm…



KEV: Wacko, the diddlio to what you say,

            Do you remember Utegate, you can’t go away

            I’m getting sauce outa the bottle, don’t you see

            Working families support me

            I’m always there to help, to give a good reason,

            I will make Australia proud, in due season

            You and your e-mails, you’re not so trusty

            You need to have some detailed programmatic specificity…

Music stops when Kev says that last line, he makes it come back on by shouting and ramping it again. Malcolm comes back…

MAL:             Kev, what the fuck does that mean?

The Germans didn’t get it; you shouldn’t be seen
on the world stage, with everyone here

You destroyed everything Australians hold dear

You’re a failure in history, you screwed us all up

Everyone knows now how much you suck,

So I’m saying enjoy your last term, Kevin

‘Cause no one will vote for you in 2011.    

. Malcolm now has the upper hand, Kev is furious


Kev tries to start a fight, but the Ringmaster holds him back.

RING: Come on guys, keep it clean we only have a minute of the round left!

Kev steps back and comes forward to deliver his final verse.

KEV: Oh Malcolm, you think at me you can mock and hiss,

            Well, I’d like to see you come back to this,

Kev starts speaking Cantonese and the music stops, he keeps going until the end of his verse. He then gestures to the band to start again and shouts at the crowd, thinking he’s got it in the bag.

RING: your call Malcolm…

Malcolm comes forward and gestures the music to stop. They do stop.

MAL: Kevin… what’s the Chinese word for “show-off”?

Kev is about to start a full on fight with Malcolm when the bell rings again.

RING: That’s the end of the round, ladies and gentlemen; give it up for Malcolm Turnbull and Kevin Rudd.

 Both Kev and Malcolm wave and go off stage…

RING: Now, the best part, you get to vote for your favourite. On your chair is a piece of paper, during the break you can go out and cast your vote on who wins the debate, so will it be Kevin of Malcolm. Both are pretty crap, but you have to choose who wins the 2009 Federal Leaders Debate. Don’t forget to cast your vote, and now, back to the show!

Ringmaster leaves and lights black out…