A living room with a Christmas tree and a table with a phone. SANTA enters stealthily to twinkly magical buildup music (the kind you would get in a Disney movie or something before a song), motions for audience/hecklers to shush, then sneaks to the Christmas tree with a sack and goes to put presents down. Music stops. Two KIDs jumps out with cricket/baseball bats and hit SANTA over the head. KID1&2: YAAA! Hai-ya! SANTA: OW! (falls down, twitches) KID 1 grabs phone, dials. KID 1: Hello? Police? We caught him! POLICE: We'll be there in a jiffy! A POLICEWOMAN immediately barges in through the door. POLICE: 'Ullo 'ullo, what's all this then? SANTA: (groans) KID 2: Officer, arrest that fat man! POLICE: Santa! We meet again. (hits him with a taser) We'll not be watching any more of your Christmas specials this year! SANTA: (groans) POLICE: You're under arrest for six billion and forty-two counts of breaking and entering. SANTA: What are you talking about? I'm bringing presents to the children! POLICE: Ah! Enticing them with gifts! KID 1: PEDOPHILE! SANTA: No, I just sit them on my lap and ask them what they want! Awkward pause. Then the POLICEWOMAN tasers him again. SANTA: Not like that! I'm just trying to share toys with the kids! KID 2: COMMUNIST! SANTA: I'm not, I'm just spreading the love! KID 1: HIPPY! SANTA: I'm just giving to the less fortunate! KID 2: PHILANTHROPIST! POLICE: Shut up! KID 1: FASCIST POO-POO HEAD! (leaves) POLICE: (handcuffing SANTA to the tree) You have the right to remain silent! Any “Ho”s you say can and will be used in a court of law! SANTA: I'm only defending myself! POLICE: Tell that to... (pulls out taser) the Judge! (taser) SANTA: I'm no criminal! Ask any of my little friends up North! POLICE: You mean your previous abductions, forced to make toys in your sweatshops in Siberia! SANTA: They're not children, they're just my little friends! POLICE: Bigotry! (starts to drag him off) SANTA: Wait! At least let me get my sleigh! POLICE: Your SLAVE? SANTA: No, my sleigh! It's on the roof, with all my reindeer! POLICE: Animal rights abuse! Parking offences! Water restrictions! You'll be going away for a long time, my friend! SANTA: Noooo! (is dragged out) the KIDs skip back in happily, singing. KID 1: You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not run, I'm telling you why… KID 2: Santa Claus is going down town! KID 1 picks up the sack of presents, grins and the KIDS skip away. |