Lights up on a group of soldiers done up Lord of the Rings style all standing in a line, a Sergeant standing at the left. In the platoon are ENGELBERT, IGNATIUS, VLADIMIR and FRED.

SERGEANT: Squad! Forward march! Left, left, left-right-left, Left, left, left-right-left... hang on. Stop! HALT! That was your right foot. When I say left, you move your left foot. Got it? Good. Forward march! Left, left, left-right-left...

ENGELBERT: Hey! Isn’t it an amazing coincidence that we’re all walking in the same direction?!

IGNATIUS: Actually, that is interesting. Where are we going?

VLADIMIR: Well, we’re going into battle aren’t we?

IGNATIUS: Right. So, who are those guys over there?

ELGENBERT: They’re all walking in the opposite direction! The odds against this are astronomical!

FRED: They look really happy to see us too! Look, they’re waving and calling...

VLADIMIR: That’s the orc legion.

IGNATIUS: Oh. Cool. So why are they holding axes and swords and stuff like that?

VLADIMIR: That’s for us.

IGNATIUS: OH!!! Hang on, it’s not my birthday.

VLADIMIR: No, that’s for us, as in to use on us. They’re going to chop us to pieces.

FRED: What?

VLADIMIR: Oh, for Christs’ sake guys! Do I have to spell it out for you?

FRED: No, don’t do that. I can’t read.

VLADIMIR: They’re going to use those big clubs to crush our skulls. Then they’re going to slice us into little pieces with those swords, pull our brains out through our nose, roast them on the barbecue and then eat them with tomato sauce and mustard, and then they’re going to string up our large intestines and use them as stockings.

IGNATIUS: ... they’re going to kill us?!


IGNATIUS: ... not cool! (stops marching)

SERGEANT: Company HALT! You soldier, why are you not marching?

IGNATIUS: Well, sir, I’m absolutely freakin’ terrified, sir.

SERGEANT: And why are you terrified, soldier?

IGNATIUS: Well, we’re going into battle and we might get rather badly hurt, sir. We could even get killed! Is it too late to pull out, sir?

SERGEANT: You disgust me, soldier! We are marching to victory! We will crush the orc legion and drive them from our homes!

VLADIMIR: Have you seen them? They outnumber us 50 to 1!

ENGELBERT: And they’re coming this way!!

FRED: We could all get killed! Apparently. He said it.

SERGEANT: What do you mean, we could all get killed?

VLADIMIR: Well, what I mean is... we could... die.

SERGEANT: What?! That’s not fair! No one told me about that! I don’t want to do this anymore!

FRED: Hang on... you can’t leave! You’re the sergeant of this platoon!

SERGEANT: Well, then, as sergeant of this platoon, I pronounce you sergeant of this platoon! (Runs off.)

FRED: Me, Sergeant? ... Cool!

IGNATIUS: Oh, screw this! My tummy’s feeling all fluttery. I think I need to... lie down. Maybe we can do this tomorrow?

ENGELBERT: Yeah. Suddenly, I don’t feel quite so motivated. I think I’m going to go in the same direction as you! (They both run off.)

FRED: hey, It’s the first rule in the officers’ handbook that a sergeant must always stand with his men, right?

VLADIMIR: I think so.

FRED: Good. Bye! (runs off. Now it’s just VLADIMIR alone on stage, marching.)

VLADIMIR: Left, Left, Left Right Left!

Hard lights down.