The Lion Speaks Tonight

Three chairs on stage in casual interview format. A LION and LIONESS (presumably, for OH&S issues, people in costumes) sit in two of the seats. the INTERVIEWER stands upstage

Interviewer: The harsh planes of the Serengeti. This dry, desolate wilderness. (Gradually walks to empty seat) We are joined today by the undisputed ruler of these lands; the king of beasts, the Lion, . Thank you for joining us Mr. and Mrs Lion.

Lion: Great to be here, Shaun.

Lioness: Ms. Lioness

Interviewer: Sorry, Ms. Lioness.

Lioness: Thank you very much, Shaun.

Interviewer: Now, there has been a large amount of footage circulating recently showing actions towards Gazelles and Zebras which some have labelled “aggressive” and even so far as “cruel”. How do you respond to these claims?

Lion: It's just nature. This is our existence.

Lioness: And the documentary crew can't wash their hands of it either.

Lion: They're always saying “Ooh, we can't step in! We're not interfering, we're not interfering.” Well you are. You're poking your nose into our lives and judging us. You don't know us!

Interviewer: Mm.. But your critics suggest there is no need for you to prey on the local wildlife

Lioness: What do they suggest? We nip up to Aldi and grab some baked beans? This is the Serengeti. There isn't a Aldi here!

Lion: There's a Woolworths.

Lioness: Well that's true, but we're not made of money.

Interviewer: So, how would you respond to PETA's demand that you switch to an all natural diet

Lion: This is natural! It's a freaking Gazelle!

Interviewer: I believe the organisation means a vegetarian diet

Lioness: I'm so sick of all these vegetarians. Let me ask you something Shaun. What do Gazelles and Zebras eat?

Interviewer: Well, I believe they graze on plants and grass

Lioness: Exactly! Now, these damn vegetarians are going around eating all the plants competing with the buffalo for their food source and leaving them to starve!

Lion: I think it's immoral to eat plants.

Interviewer: Well, PETA has argued that perhaps having your throat ripped out would not be an altogether painless death.

Lion: Now, Shaun, can you tell me with 100% certainty that gazelles don't want to have their throats ripped out?

Interviewer: Well, no I can't, but -

Lioness: Exactly, you can't.

Interviewer: Even so, Ms. Lioness, some of the animals you feed off are endangered species. Don't you admit it would be irresponsible to further diminish the numbers of such an animal?

Lioness: I suppose so... Out of curiosity, what is the most prolific medium sized mammal?

Interviewer: Well, I suppose that would be human. There are about 7 billion of us.

Lion: 7 billion? Wow. So losing one human wouldn't really matter?

Interviewer: No.. I guess not.

Lioness: Fantastic.

(They rise)