Viking Sketch

Customer: I would like to buy a Science Revue sketch, please.
Shopkeeper: How about a song? Songs are very in at the moment.
Customer: No...
Shopkeeper: How about a 'two men on a couch' sketch?
Customer: Like the one we're in now?
Shopkeeper: This one's more self-referential.
Customer: I want something with vikings.
Shopkeeper is slightly taken aback, but ignores it.
Shopkeeper: How about another theme sketch?
Customer (getting slightly annoyed): I want something with vikings.
Shopkeeper: No no no, you don't want that.
Customer: Yes I do!
Shopkeeper: Please don't do the Viking Sketch.
Customer (now getting quite agitated): Why not?
Shopkeeper (getting distressed): It's tainted.
Customer: With what?
Shopkeeper: The blood of many Science Revue writers... Have you any idea how much they fought, how much they suffered in the writing of this sketch? Please, for the love of God, don't perform this sketch!
Customer: I want the viking sketch.
Shopkeeper: V-very well then.
Visibily shaking, the Shopkeeper opens up the safe behind him and pulls out a few blackened and charred pieces of paper and hands them to the Customer. The customer starts to take out his wallet.
Shopkeeper: No money. Just take it and go!!
Lights down.
Lights up. The Shopkeeper has hung himself.
Lights down.

Lights up.

Vikings A B and C are sitting on a ship after a day of “raping” and “pillaging”

This sketch is all about timing, awkward pauses and willing suspension of disbelief.


A: Wow! That was fantastic! I’d heard that pillaging was fun but they were practically giving it all away.

C: Um...[eyebrows]

B: They WERE giving it away.

C: That’s *not* how it usually happens.

B: It used to be difficult to get all the gold out of those townspeople.

C: You had to fight tooth and nail to wrest the gold from their scrawny little ... intestinal tract. It was a challenge!

A: Well it was pretty much what I expected. I mean, we went in, stole stuff and got out.

C: Bah! You call that stealing? In my day they didn’t leave their doors unlocked...

B: A note with written directions to the valuables drawer...

C: and a trail of cookies and milk leading to their bedroom.

B: It was unusual, to say the least.

C: Real nubile virgins don’t ... usually... offer themselves up like that.

C: You had to work for it!

B: You had to put in some effort!

C: Be charming and persuasive...

B: I'd say the whole challenge has gone out of ravishing.


C: I mean, don't get me wrong, it was ... alright.
B: We at least have something to show for it.
C: But still, it's not the same without REAL ravishing and pillaging. I'm sorry Eric. Your first raid and it's such a fizzer.


A: Well I had fun. Belinda was real nice and she said...

C: Yes?

A: Well, she said I would be welcome to violate her any time. [nudges one of the other Vikings while grinning stupidly]

C:  [showing annoyance at A] You youngin’s have gone soft!

B: See, ‘violate’ implies that they don’t say ‘yes’. Did she say yes?
A: Well, yes... once or twice.
C: [disbelief and annoyance] Disgusting.
B: I'm ashamed to be on the same boat as you. We should toss you in...
C: Make you swim, say, back to Norway.
A: But I can't swim that well.
B: Okay, to the horizon and back.
A: Actually I can't swim at all.
B: Well that'll save us time and effort.
C: Honestly... and you thought you'd actually survived a raid. I didn't even see a single pitchfork.
B: Last time we were in England Byrne here returned with so many pitchforks imbedded in his thorax we flooded the market back home. Made quite a bit on the futures too...
A: And you're calling me soft - you're glorified financial traders with the stupidest hats I have ever seen. I mean, HORNS? Honestly...
C: We're wearing hats? I had quite forgetten.
B: Yes, don't you remember we got a matching pair when we went to Amsterdam in the 20's. Just the latest thing.
C: Oh I know - aren't we just gorgeous?
A: Fuck this shit - I'm swimming back to England...

Another take on the same sketch:

Wiglaff, Snorri, and Eric sit back on deck after a hard day pillaging. Deckchairs, helmets with wings and horns.
Snorri: Wow. That was epic. I'd heard that pillaging was fun but they were practically giving stuff away.
Wiglaff: They were giving it away. That's not how it usually happens.
Eric: Liar. Next you'll tell us that they usually lock up their gold, or something.
Wiglaff: Indeed, my boy. You had to fight tooth and nail to wrest their gold from their scrawny little... intestinal tract. Challenging, but rewarding.
Snorri: Wow, really? Imagine that. Eric and I had to get some of the villagers to help us carry the l00t, there was so much of it.
Eric: Very accomodating chaps, they were.
Wiglaff: Did you manage to find, perchance, any accomodating maidens?
Snorri: Well of course. After we'd emptied the contents of their treasure chests...
Eric: Which they left us written directions to find, of course...
Snorri: We located a cunningly placed trail of cookies and milk leading to their bedrooms.
Wiglaff: You mean they said... yes?
Snorri: Once... or twice [Snorri and Eric pound fists]. Heh heh!
Wiglaff: That's disgusting! It didn't used to be like that.
Eric: You mean there was no cookies
Wiglaff: No.
Eric: Or milk? [incredulous]
Wiglaff: Of course not.
Snorri: No way...
Wiglaff: Indeed, to ravage implies that they DON'T say yes.
Snorri: Dude, that's hectic.
[Wiglaff rolls eyes]
Eric: I do concede it was a little unusual. Back in Norway, real nubile virgins don't normally offer themselves up like that.
Snorri: To you, maybe...
Wiglaff: Ah, you young whippersnappers have gone soft. Back in my day...
Snorri: Here he goes again.
Eric: Wait, don't tell us. [Improv style] 'When I was a boy *gasp, wheeze*, if we wanted a bit of skirt...
Snorri: We didn't have a long boat...
Eric: So we had to swim to Denmark...'
Wiglaff: Why yes, exactly. How did you know?
Snorri: And had to fight off sea monsters...
Wiglaff: Naturally. This one time, back when I was your age, we'd just invented bronze, and of course that was the same year that your aunty and I finally... well nevermind that now, but we'd just got back from destroying monasteries in Ireland and had decided to put in for a bit of rest and 'recreation' in Denmark, but in our mad haze of lust [gasping breath] we'd forgotten about the Kraken, which arose from the depths ... [cadenza ad lib]
[Eric and Snorri look at each other, make a series of increasingly incomprehensible and obscure hand gestures, then stand up, grab Wiglaff under his arms and drag him off stage. Sound effect of splashing and bubbles.]