Lights up. A REAL ESTATE AGENT is leading a WIFE and HUSBAND around a house.
REAL ESTATE AGENT: So this is the kitchen, large veneer windows, granite bench tops, and a lovely dining area for the whole family. And that concludes the tour. What do you think?
WIFE: I really like this place, it’s spacious, comfortable and generally appealing....
MAN is inspecting the house thoroughly, examining doors, windows etc...
HUSBAND: (Interrupts his wife in a tone of complete seriousness) There is just one thing I want to ask...Is the house zombie-proof?
REAL ESTATE AGENT: I'm sorry?
HUSBAND: Is the house Zombie proof?
REAL ESTATE AGENT: Well this is very safe neighbourhood, there is a very low crime rate here...generally the neighbours are nice respectable people, young families, first home owners...
HUSBAND: No, No. I don't think you understand...is this house Zombie proof? .
REAL ESTATE AGENT: I'm sorry...oh, were you worried about the security system? If you just look to your left you'll see we have installed the latest in...
HUSBAND: Do you know how many people get attacked by Zombies in their own home?
REAL ESTATE AGENT: Erm..
HUSBAND: NONE! But when the Zombie apocalypse happens millions, Tens of millions of people will DIE... Do you know that there is a 40% chance that a mad scientist will invent zombies within the next 30 years? Not to mention the damn necromancers! And you haven't even got any liberal Arts students to use as zombie bait! And wait... (opens door to the basement) What's that down there?
REAL ESTATE AGENT: That's the cellar...
HUSBAND: The cellar? It looks like an Indian burial ground. Was this an Indian burial ground... ‘cause if it's an Indian burial ground... you're trying to sell me a house built on a goddamn Indian burial ground. Are you some kind of idiot? Is this why the house is so cheap? It's because it's built on a goddamn Indian burial ground isn't it?
REAL ESTATE AGENT: It's cheap because it's a deceased estate.
HUSBAND: DECEASED ESTATE!
REAL ESTATE AGENT: Uh. So, the previous resident, she, um, passed away...
HUSBAND: She DIED?
REAL ESTATE AGENT: It wasn't violent or anything, it was a heart attack in her bed.
HUSBAND: IN HER BED? You mean there's a zombie upstairs as well? On top of the Indian burial ground?
WIFE: I'm so sorry, he gets like this sometimes, we try to indulge him a bit...
HUSBAND: Will I SURVIVE IN MY OWN HOME?!!?!
REAL ESTATE AGENT: Yes, the windows are double glazed, I can have bars installed...
HUSBAND: Bars? You think bars will save us from the hordes of the undead? What about these walls? They're only double brick!
WIFE: Look, honey, just calm down, (to REAL ESTATE AGENT) I'm really sorry about this. (to HUSBAND) Just go wait in the car honey, trust me, it'll all be okay.
HUSBAND: Uh, I suppose so... I'll just go wait in the car then.
WIFE: Yes, why don't you do that?
HUSBAND: (starts to leave, turns around and calls back) Make sure it's zombie proof!
HUSBAND leaves. WIFE checks that he's gone.
WIFE: So, thank you so much for your patience. I'm so sorry about this. I mean, we really like the neighbourhood, and I'm sure I can make him come to his senses. Just one more thing, before we buy it. (beat) Is the house raptor proof?
Lights down. | 