NEW- third last theme

PART ONE: Lights up on toilet, with the grey screen standing in for a urinal. RED QUARK is standing at the Urinal. GALLBLADDER runs in, panicking.

GALLBLADDER: Oh, Jesus! Oh, Jesus! A toilet! Brilliant! No one ever gets killed in a toilet.

RED: Hi.

GALLBLADDER: (Not noticing he’s a Quark, stands at the urinal) Hi.

GALLBLADDER pauses, then dunks his head entirely into the urinal (a bucket of water behind the screen), comes up with his head soaking wet.

RED: What’s up with you mate? Look a little stressed.

GALLBLADDER: Huh? I’m sorry? Have you seen what’s going on out there? (Turns to point, accidentally sprays RED) The experiment escaped, the Quark! And now it’s loose, and it’s turning other people into Quarks too! We could all die!

RED: Oh. That’s not good, is it? 

GALLBLADDER: I think I’ll just lie low until someone else solves the problem. Phew! This reminds me of that adventure film, you know, the one where everyone dies?

RED: Jurassic Park.

GALLBLADDER: No, not that one...

RED: Jurassic Park 2.

GALLBLADDER: No, not that one.

RED: Jurassic Park 3.

GALLBLADDER: That’s it! All the minor unimportant characters get killed off in the first 10 minutes! The key is, if your character has less than three dimensions, or an IQ below fifty, you're doomed from the start. (Beat) Yeah. So if you see anyone with antennae on top of their head, then... (Sees R’s deedlyboppers) oh, my god!

RED: You really should relax a bit more mate, you get all keyed up and then you can’t go.

Gallbladder babbles, scared, points at R’s deedlyboppers.

RED: What? (Looks up, can’t see anything because the deedlyboppers are attached to his head)

GALLBLADDER: You’ve got…

RED: (finally clicks) Oh, right. Yeah, those.

GALLBLADDER: You’re a Quark!

RED: Yeah, I know.

GALLBLADDER starts to run, another QUARK pops out.

GALLBLADDER: Get away from me, you freaks!

QUARK: Whoa! No need to get offensive, mate. I don’t want to start anything.

GALLBLADDER: Stay away! Don’t touch me!

RED: This slimy git doesn’t like our type.

QUARK: Really? Well, we don’t like your type either!

GALLBLADDER: Don’t touch me! If you kill me, I will sue the backsides off you!

QUARK 2: You threatening us?

QUARK 1: Maybe we need to take you outside for a little lesson in manners.

They lift Gallbladder and carry him away.

GALLBLADDER: No! Please! Don’t do this to me! Hang on! (stops to zip up fly and then goes back to being dragged away) No! I’m a main character!

PART TWO: Lights down and up on stage right. MALCOLM, BELINDA and EDDIE emerge from the wings, slowly walking downstage.

MALCOLM: I think it’s safe to say that we’re in a bad situation.

EDDIE: A very bad situation.


EDDIE: A Very, very bad situation.

MALCOLM: Thank you.

EDDIE: In fact, one might go so far as to say that this situation is worse than evil time-travelling alien raptor zombie ninjas with lasers attached to their heads!

MALCOLM: Shut up!

BELINDA: This really should not be happening to me! I pay my taxes for god’s sake! (Pause) Most of them!

MALCOLM: Calm down! Panicking will get us nowhere!

BELINDA: Actually if we add running to the panicking will get us somewhere very fast, so I vote for that.

MALCOLM: Look... (lights down on stage right)

PART THREE: Lights up on stage left. THE MAJOR, ANN and LISA are present.

MAJOR: We’ll be perfectly fine if we make no sudden moves and don’t let our enemy know we’re here. (to LISA) You! Take point!

ANN: We’ll be fine! They don’t want to kill us... do they?

MAJOR: Actually, I rather think that they want to turn us into them. (To LISA) You! Bring up the rear!

ANN: Oh. Right. But we’ve got you, don’t we?

MAJOR: Absolutely. I will kill the beast! I fought in the Punic war, after all!

ANN: ... wasn’t that war 2,000 years ago?

MAJOR: Well, I was a younger man. (To LISA) You! Why aren’t you taking point like I asked?

LISA gives him a dark look.

PART FOUR: Suddenly, a noise like a giant footstep. Lights up on both groups, they stop and listen.

LISA/BELINDA: What was that?

MALCOLM/MAJOR: I don’t know.

EDDIE/ANN: What do we do?

MALCOLM/MAJOR: Alright... just... back away... slowly.

They all back into each other, then jump with fright.


ANN: (quickly recovering composure) Oh, it's just you. The Quarks are multiplying.

MALCOLM: Your little science project go wrong, did it?

ANN: ... if you say ‘I told you so’, I will kill you, Malcolm.

MALCOLM: It would be so worth it!

Another noise like a giant footstep, lights flicker with each step. All freeze. And another, they all jump again. A few more, then they stop.

LISA: What’s going on? It... it’s too quiet!

Another footstep.

LISA: That’s better!

The footsteps get louder, until they are revealed to be JURASSIC QUARK coming on stage playing a big marching bass drum. He comes up level with the others, all the while playing his bass drum and them jumping at it. He stops, pauses, and hits his bass drum again. They all jump.

MALCOLM: Oh, for-

JURASSIC QUARK takes the drum off, puts it aside, then looks at them for a second.



MAJOR: Back away, all of you! I fought in the Great War! I will subdue this fiend!

JURASSIC: Don't you threaten me sir, I don’t spin that way! Hey! Guys!

About four or five other Quarks come on and arrange themselves upstage. One of them (BOTTOM QUARK) is carrying TOP QUARK piggyback.

ANN: What are you going to do then, destroy all humans and take over the world?

JURASSIC: ... good idea! I hadn’t really thought that far ahead!

LISA: You’re evil!

JURASSIC: I am not evil! How could you call a face like this evil?!!! No, I think you lot need to be taught a lesson, that’s all. Quarks are people too! Prick me, I bleed. I also get pissed off!

MAJOR: (contemptuously) Right, I’ll deal with this thing alone. I will buy you some time. If I don’t make it out of this alive, tell my wife I love her.

ANN: You don’t have a wife.

MAJOR: Oh. Well, tell her I love her anyway.

ANN: Okay... hang on...

MALCOLM: Gotta go, come on!


JURASSIC:  Don’t let them get away! You! Go after them!

BOTTOM QUARK: Yes, sir. (Runs off, comes back, picks up top Quark and runs off with her.)

MAJOR: Now then. Just you and me. I fought in 'Nam.  You're just a cute fluffy llama, with antennae!

JURASSIC: Oh, really?

JURASSIC QUARK makes motions to other Quarks whenever the MAJOR is not looking.

MAJOR: Yeah.


MAJOR: Yeah.

Continue in this vein, with others' heads going backwards and forwards. Finally,

MAJOR: (Levelling his gun) YEAH!

JURASSIC QUARK: Don't call me cute!

One of the Quarks taps the major on the shoulder.

MAJOR Oh, bollocks! I really should have seen that coming! (Screams as they attack him.)

Lights down.