Scene 4/5... Whatever, I’m so confused

Nervous sting of music. Room is dark, with only the Door (on the back left hand of the stage) lit. MALCOLM enters through the door, locks it, then switches the light on to reveal EDDIE standing front centre stage, hiding behind a sprig of branches. Malcolm approaches, wearing an expression of sheer exasperation.

MALCOLM: Eddie?

EDDIE: Shh!

MALCOLM: Sorry. (Pause. Hang on...) What are you doing?

EDDIE: Look that way!

MALCOLM: What?

EDDIE: Look that way!!

MALCOLM: Why?

EDDIE: It’s a trap!

MALCOLM: (Looking that way) what’s a trap?!

Eddie smashes him over the back of the head.

EDDIE: Ha! Take that, Quark! (Adopts a fighting stance)

MAlCOLM: Ow! Geez! What the hell was that for? You can tell I’m not a quark! I don’t have antennae.

EDDIE: Oh, sorry. That was just a reflex action of mine.

MALCOLM: A reflex action?

EDDIE: Yes! Hitting people over the head relieves stress. You should try it!

Pause. Malcolm hits Eddie over the head.

EDDIE: Ow!

MALCOLM: It does actually. Where’s everyone else?

EDDIE: Oh! It’s all clear!

ANN, LISA, and BELINDA all jump out from behind the screen.

BELINDA: What’s happening out there?

MALCOLM: Couldn’t find any humans. Only Quarks.

ANN: So, it’s just us then?

LISA: Oh, god! We’re doomed! Doomed as the democrats!

ANN: Come on, it’s not that bad. Count to pi with me! Come on! 3.14...

LISA: 15926535897932384625... phew. I’m alright now! (Pause.) No I’m not! Oh, we’re all going to die! And no one will remember us! No one will remember our names!

MALCOLM: Hang on... what is your name?

LISA: ... (Bursts into tears) I don’t know!

MALCOLM: Alright, look shut up. Ann, I think you need to tell us everything you know about these Quarks. How did you find out about them?

ANN: Right. Well, it all started when one of our Geologists excavated a dinosaur fossil from the Cretaceous Period. They found this... (holds up a video tape) A video tape.

MALCOLM: A video tape.

ANN: In the fossil record.

MALCOLM: A video tape from 65 Million Years ago?

ANN: Yeah, so the picture and sound quality isn’t all that great. But this is where we got the idea to isolate Quarks. I’ll play you the last few minutes of it.

Ann puts the tape in an imaginary player. Lights up on the rest of the stage, and those already onstage freeze. A few dinosaur sounds. BAZZA, a dinosaur, walks on. He makes the velociraptor call, then coughs, clears his throat and spits on the ground. DAZZA, another dinosaur, comes on from the other side. They meet centre stage, exchanging roars. They both talk in heavy Aussie accents.

BAZZA: G’day Dazza!

DAZZA: G’day Bazza, how you doing?

BAZZA: Not too bad, mate. You?

DAZZA: Not too good, actually mate. My Species is going extinct.

BAZZA: Oh! Well, that is a strange and perhaps not entirely unrelated coincidence, mate! My species is going extinct, too!

DAZZA: You’re kidding!

BAZZA: No, I’m a raptor.

DAZZA: Well, cover me in volcanic ash and call me a Triceratops, mate! What are we going to do?

BAZZA: Nothing for it, mate. We shall have to call a meeting of the most Ancient and Noble Society of Dinosaurs, Reptiles and other Freaky Lizards. (Both roar loudly, other dinosaurs come on, also roaring, among them SHAZZA, JAZZA and MORRIS. Various exchanges between the dinosaurs)

SHAZZA: G’day, boys!

BAZZA: G’day, Shazza! You ready to get this underway?

SHAZZA: No probs. (Roars, all copy) Alright sheilas and blokes! We are here today to figure out just why we are all going extinct, and what we’re all going to do about it.

JAZZA: could it be those massive novelty lava lamps we had installed?

SHAZZA: What, the active volcanoes? Nah.

DAZZA: Could it be meat! The price of meat has hit the roof, some dinosaurs are forced to reproduce just so they can get the four basic food groups!

SHAZZA: Nah, you lot! Let me explain! It’s the Quarks! Yeah! Those bloody raptors went and tried Science, and so they went and isolated the fundamental building blocks of nature! And suddenly, dinosaurs everywhere are being turned into ruthless, determined and highly annoying subatomic wave-particles.

JAZZA: That is some deep shit! What’s the plan, Shazza?

SHAZZA: Well, you know that second moon...

BAZZA: What, the asteroid caught in Earth’s orbit?

SHAZZA: Yeah. If we can draw it into Earth and drop it on the Quarks, it may just cause it to incinerate!

DAZZA: That’s fuckin’ brilliant, Shazza! (All roar) All we need now is a giant magnet of some kind!

JAZZA: (Pulls out a Giant magnet from behind the screen) Will this one do?

SHAZZA: Perfect! Now, let’s get that asteroid and drop it on the Quarks!

All dinosaurs grab the magnet and hold it up, then start to career around stage crazily.

BAZZA: Whoa! This asteroid has a really weird orbit!

SHAZZA: Keep pulling!

Finally they stop with the magnet pointed straight up.

SHAZZA: It worked! (All roar) Bloody brilliant! Now that asteroid will hit the earth and incinerate all the Quarks!

MORRIS: Hang on a sec! Just one thing...

SHAZZA: What?

MORRIS: Well, if we make that asteroid collide with Earth, won’t it kill us as well?

ALL: (Roar that sounds like a laugh.)

SHAZZA: Are you kidding, Morris? We’re dinosaurs! The smartest creatures this planet has ever seen! We can even talk! We’ll be fine

Lights down on the dinosaurs. Lights up again in the lab.

ANN: Forty-seven seconds later they were incinerated.

MALCOLM: That’s all well and good, but the only thing I took away from that was that problems aren’t solved by chucking an asteroid at them.

EDDIE: Exactly. We don’t even have an asteroid, do we?

MALCOLM: (Makes a show of patting his pockets) Not on me, no.

LISA: So what do we do, then?

BELINDA: I have an idea! Do you want to hear it?

MALCOLM: Not particularly. Here is a problem that is confounding the best... and the worst (motions Eddie) ... of the scientific minds and you’re a newspaper journalist.

BELINDA: I know things! I watched Catalyst last Thursday!

MALCOLM: Go on then.

BELINDA: Alright. Step one! We get... a dragon! (Silence) Step two... (silence) What do you think of it so far?

LISA: A strong start, certainly.

ANN: Go back to the bit about the dragon?

BELINDA: That’s not my responsibility, you’re the scientists!

MALCOLM: Not very helpful, then.

EDDIE: I know how to stop the Quarks!

ANN: Really? How?

EDDIE: ... I’m not going to tell you!

ANN: Eddie, come on, be reasonable.

EDDIE: No, you had your chance to listen to me, and you threw it away!

ANN: Grr! I say we conduct a little scientific experiment on Eddie’s face! And see what colour it turns when I strangle him- (Goes to strangle Eddie, the others hold her back)

MALCOLM: Come on, Eddie.

EDDIE: Okay. You are all aware of antimatter, yes? The opposite to matter. Well, antimatter is made up of anti-gnomes, which are the mortal enemies of Gnomes! When a Gnome- or a Quark- and an Antiquark collide with each other, they react and neutralise!

MALCOLM: So, we need an Antiquark? The opposite of a Quark?

EDDIE: Exactly!

LISA: That makes sense, actually.

ANN: Does it?

LISA: Yeah, it’s like when two people mirror each other’s body language, it means they fancy each other.

MALCOLM and ANN become aware of the fact that they are mirroring each other exactly.

MALCOLM: Right. In that case, we need to get back to the P.L.O.T device.

LISA: Okay, but how are we going to get there? The Quarks are still out there!

MALCOLM: Don’t worry, we’re safe for now. Well, unless the Quarks have figured out how to open doors.

All Pause, then laugh uproariously at the stupid suggestion, and then keep talking. Lights up on the door. Top Quark comes along, and tries the door handle, but can’t get in.

TOP: That’s a tricky one!

Bottom Quark comes along, looks at her disdainfully, then simply steps through the door, a nerdy reference to Quantum Tunnelling as well as the fact that the door isn’t really there. They stand level with the others.

TOP/BOTTOM: Rah!

All scream and jump.

LISA: Aaah! A Quark!

BELINDA: In the room!

EDDIE: I wasn’t expecting that to happen at all!

ANN: Don’t worry, I never go into a room with just one door.

LISA: Why not?

ANN: Because the Feng Shui is terrible!

MALCOLM: Run!

They run and the Quarks chase them off.