Theme Sketch 2 (post-camp)

Lights up on SCIENTISTS looking at Plot device, ANN has just pulled lever, MALCOLM is being angry. EDDIE runs in.

EDDIE: Wait! Wait! Stop right there, you haven't started without me, I hope!

ANN: Eddie! Who the hell let you in?

MALCOLM: Who’s this?

EDDIE: Eddie Current, B.Sc Adv, MaD. Theoretical physicist.

ANN: Don’t listen to him. He’s an Escapee from the Home for Criminally Insane Associate Professors.

EDDIE: All the same, I have every right to be here. I, you see, am considered to be the most foremost expert in Gnome Theory.

MALCOLM: What theory?

EDDIE: Gnome Theory. Look, you’re aware of String Theory, yes? The belief that Quarks themselves are in fact little pieces of string?


EDDIE: Well, Gnome Theory is the belief that Quarks themselves are in fact little Gnomes! And they hold hands and spin around in a circle and form little pyramids, and that’s what makes up matter! Don’t you see how much sense it makes? Gnome Theory explains everything! Gravity, for example, is Gnomes throwing out little grappling hooks so they can get to other gnomes. Electricity is actually Gnomes hi-fiving each other at different speeds-

ANN: Enough of this. Someone take him back to the madhouse where he belongs!

EDDIE: No, thank you, I have every right to be here.

LISA: He’s got a point, you know. You’ve no way of knowing.

ANN: Whose side are you on?!

LISA: Right. Send him to the madhouse!

SCIENTIST 1: Oh, please, can we hurry up and just look inside the box?

ANN: Right. Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s time to gaze upon our discovery. Everyone put on goggles.

LISA: We don’t actually need goggles… (Ann shoots her a look) - But maybe we do need goggles! For your safety! Because you never know...

ANN: Right. Opening the box in three, two, one...…

LISA opens a corner of the box and peeks inside. Silence, then the box starts to shake violently.

LISA: (Jumps back) Uh-oh.

EDDIE: What’s happening?

LISA: There’s something alive in there!

MALCOLM: That’s impossible.

EDDIE: Unless…

ANN: Oh, shut up!

JURASSIC QUARK bounds out of the box.

JURASSIC QUARK: Ow! Geez! Will somebody please tell me what happened, ‘cause I’ve got a headache the size of a very large headache. What was I drinking? Hello! What’s happening?

ANN: … who the hell are you?

JURASSIC QUARK: Who the hell am I? Who the hell are you?! I was just spinning along, minding my own business, and all of a sudden, wham! I hit my head on a wall of unreasonably high potential! And I wake up here! Somebody owes me an explanation! Whoa! This place is really shiny! I like shiny things; they remind me of gamma radiation. Gamma radiation is my favourite type of radiation! What’s your favourite type of radiation?


EDDIE: You’re a gnome!

JURASSIC QUARK: Am I? I thought I was a Quark! I am a Quark! Does that mean that Gnomes are Quarks? Does that mean that Gnomes are really really really itty itty itty itty bitty? Cause I thought they were just really really itty itty bitty! Cause I once saw a Gnome and it was like a giant! But you never know, it could have been a giant gnome…

ANN signals to Two SCIENTISTS who grab the JURASSIC QUARK by the shoulders.

JURASSIC QUARK: Oh, hello! Let’s be friends!

ANN: Gentlemen, escort this… thing…  to a secure observation room. We need to conduct the necessary tests before we can determine whether this a quark or just a really hyperactive little kid… with antennae.

LISA: It’s kind of cute too.

JURASSIC QUARK: Whoa! Don’t call me cute! You wouldn’t like me when I’m cute!

ANN: Take it away!

JURASSIC QUARK: Where are we going? Are we going to a theme park? I love theme parks! I especially love when you go to theme parks you can get lollipops, and I love lollipops, especially the REALLY big ones, you know, the ones that you can’t actually fit in your mouth cause they’re bigger than your head, they’re great, cause they last for hours and hours and hours and hours…

JURASSIC QUARK is led off by two scientists wearing gloves.

EDDIE: Told you so! That was a gnome!

ANN: That was not a gnome.

EDDIE: Well, it wasn’t a piece of string. String doesn’t talk. That definitely talked.

ANN: Look, I never said that gnome theory wasn’t plausible…

MALCOLM: Hah! I knew that would happen. I hope you’re pleased with yourselves, you lot. That thing looked capable of anything!

LISA: It was the most harmless thing I’ve ever seen in my life!

MALCOLM: They said that about pigeons.

LISA: Pigeons haven’t done anything!

MALCOLM: They haven’t done anything yet.

ANN: Oh, get a life, Malcolm.

Lights down.