Theme Sketch 3 (post-camp)

ANN: and this is one our more recent fields which is showing a lot of promise.

SCI 1 Cross.

SCI 2 Naught.

SCI 1 Cross… I win again!

SCI 2 : I'm starting to see a pattern here.

BELINDA enters juliet

BELINDA: Belinda Screete, Sydney Morning Herald. Are you scientists?

SCI 1: ...Yes

BELINDA: So what are you working on?

SCI 1: Scientific research of the utmost importance!

SCI 2: … Four-dimensional tictactoe.

Pause, BELINDA looks unimpressed.

SCI 1: (Slightly hurt) People will eventually get bored of Sudoku, you know

SCI 2: The trouble is, of course, that it doesn’t really work.

BELINDA: How do you mean?

SCI 2: Well, because it’s tictactoe in four-dimensional space, you can construct a hyperplane between any three points, so whoever goes first, wins.

SCI 1: Exactly that's why it's great!

SCI 2: It wouldn’t be half as bad if he didn’t go first every time.

BELINDA: (Pause) ...Fascinating.

SCI 1: Sorry, but, what are you doing here?

BELINDA:  I’m here because of some scientific breakthrough. They made it sound exciting on the phone - something about a Quack?

SCI 2: I'll give you a free piece of advice; don’t call it cute.


Onstage, Belinda comes down from Juliet

ANN: Today, you will be the first to see the most amazing scientific discovery of the millenium. I am the first person, you see, to isolate a quark.

Others: Huh?

ANN You know Lego?

Others: Yeah.

ANN: Like that.

Others: Oh.

ANN: And of course, this wouldn't at all be possible without all of your generous support. Especially from organisations such as CFC Billiton. I want to give special mention to Major Bohr. (motions to each, who responds)


GALLBLADDER: Yes, I've just had a call from CFC Billiton, they're very keen to see your plans to harvest energy from this Quark.And there’s a few people who want to use Quarks to build a theme park!

VIP 1: And you are?

GALLBLADDER: Randolph Gallbladder, attorney. Here's my card. Gallbladder, Sneedly, and Buttscratcher. That’s our firm.

ANN: Mr. Gallbladder very kindly represents the people I don’t want to talk to. Let's move on.

They cross to the other side of the stage. MALCOLM LISA EDDIE and SCIENTIST 4 are on the outside looking in at JQ and SCI 3.

MAJOR: So, that's the sum of my charitable endowments?

ANN: That’s it.

VIP 1: It’s really cute!

SCIENTIST 1+2 (from across the stage playing tic tac toe): Shhh

MAJOR: It looks splendid, so what are you doing now?

LISA: Well, he’s just testing the Quark’s spin trajectory.

MALCOLM: And the Quark is testing his sanity.

LISA: We’ve done a full body scan. It’s very similar to a human, except for its blood.

ANN: What’s its blood?

LISA: Red Bull.It's chock full of energy.

EDDIE: Which of course fits in perfectly with Gnome Theory!... (Because of course)

ANN: Oh, shut up.

GALLBLADDER: Does this mean that we can make money out of it? Brilliant! (To Malcolm and Lisa)

MALCOLM: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, that thing needs to be destroyed or this is all going to hell.

MAJOR: Shhhh! It's making noises!

GALLBLADDER: It's... it's talking!

JQ: … and you know what else I find really interesting? Everything moves really slowly here! Cause I’m used to oscillating really quickly with all my friends and then I get here and everyone’s like (really slowly) Whhhhhoooooooaaaaaaa! So I think that the bigger you get the slower you are, which makes sense really, doesn’t it?

SCIENTIST 3: Okay, next question. Do you ever shut up?

JQ: Shut up? You mean be quiet? You mean shut up? Why would I when everything’s so interesting? Ooh, the light reflected from your botox is really shiny. I like shiny things. I also like cheesecake, cheesecake is really nice. So, Doc, what’s going to happen now?

SCI 3: We’re going to use you to solve the energy crisis.

JQ: Really? How?

SCI 3: We’re going to strip you of your energy. Your very essence, it'll be great!

JQ: Whoa! Go back a bit. What if I don’t want to be stripped for energy? 

SCI3: Well, I don’t think you have much of a choice, to be honest.

JQ: Well, I don’t think that that is very fair at all!  I was just minding my own business, when you guys pulled me here, and now you want me to power your hair dryers and sandwich presses?

SCI 3: Ooh, you're so cute when you're angry!

JQ: (Surprised) But I - (Angry and lights flicker) Don’t call me cute.

SCI 3: But you are! Look! Boing! (Tweaks the Quarks’ deedlyboppers)

JQ: Don’t touch the deedlyboppers. When people touch the deedlyboppers I get angry. And you won't like it when I'm angry.

SCI 3: Hah! I’m terrified.

JQ: Oh, you should be.


SCI 3: (pulls deedlyboppers) Boing! Cutesy!

Lights flicker more

JQ: Don't call me cute. (lights go out. Scream)

ANN: What happened?

LISA: Is everything okay in there?

MALCOLM: I told you this was all going to hell.

GALLBLADDER: Well, if you need representation at the trial, Ann, Gallbladder, Sneedly and Buttscratcher are the people to...

ANN: Brian! Brian, are you okay?

SCI 3 stumbles out. He has deedlyboppers on.

MAJOR: Christ!  Everyone stand back!

LISA: He’s turned into a quark!

EDDIE: Gnome!

JQ: lights dimmed and flickering You want energy? I'll give you energy.

MALCOLM: Everybody, run!