Some More Potential Sketch Things

I mixed in the other potential stuff with the quarks-turning-people-into-other-quarks idea from earlier. I'm not sure what direction we're going right now so I'm just dumping this into one big idea file for now.

Sketch 1

(on screen: Dinosaurs.)

VO: Sixty-five million years ago, the dinosaurs were the first beings on planet Earth to use science.

(on screen: a meteor slamming into the Earth)

VO: It didn't end well.

VO: Sixty-five million years later, man has begun to use science too. Will he make the same mistakes?

(Opening credits)

(Fade out, start fading up the lights on stage as this occurs.)

(a big machine with a lever, which is covered in warning signs. One of them says “TURNING THIS ON WOULD BE A MISTAKE”.)

VO: Yes. Yes, they will.

(MALCOLM and ANN are standing on either side of the lever, KERRY behind ANN, others are standing around.)

MALCOLM: I think this might be a mistake, Ann..

ANN: So was wearing that tie in public.

KERRY: Oh, snap! (goes for high five, nobody responds)

MALCOLM: You know that if that thing gets out, it could very well destroy the universe as we know it.

ANN: Don't worry, everything's under control.

KERRY: You said it, boss! (goes to high-five boss, is ignored)

MALCOLM: You could not possibly have accounted for all the parameters.

ANN: Look, we've spent billions of dollars on this project and are about to solve the worldwide energy crisis! I'm sick of your attitude, Malcolm.

KERRY: Yes, just think of everything we could do with a quark this powerful.

ANN: Build a perpetual motion machine.

Kerry: Get rid of famine.

ANN: Cure cancer.

KERRY: Kill God.

MALCOLM: (sarcastic) Build a theme park?

(DAVE opens the door and walks through with his son BILLY. An instrumental Sesame Street theme plays as they march in, looking amazed and hamming it up)

BILLY: Wow! I never thought science could be so cool!

DAVE: But don't you like science?

BILLY: I LOVE science!

DAVE: I love science too! (they high-five)

BILLY: I love you, dad.

DAVE: I know. Now Billy, it's time to enter (dramatic pose beside MALCOLM) THE LABORATORY!

MALCOLM: ... Can I help you?

ANN: Oh, they're with the tour group. They won a chance to see the experiment.

DAVE: We have a golden ticket, see? (waves it around)

BILLY: We found it in a Battlestar Galactica DVD!

KERRY: Nerd! (ignored high-five attempt)

BILLY: So what are you doing anyway?

ANN: (as BILLY follows) Well, you see Billy... we're trying to create something that no one has ever seen before. An entirely new kind of Quark.

(Anne walks away to perform more tasks.)

BILLY: Dad, what's a quark?

(DAVE joins BILLY again.)

DAVE: Let me tell you... (triumphant music begins - Dave singing) Nobody cares! (Music ends)

ANN: We've now made a quasi-quark - that's a half-quark, semi-quark or demi-quark... it really depends on your reference point. Now, if I pull this lever back (gestures to machine), we will instantly create a wormhole to the black hole in the centre of the universe, and pour all of its energy into the quasi-half-semi-demi-quark, making a super-quark that was the cause of the creation of the universe itself! The king of the quarks. Quark Rex!

BILLY: (poking the machine) What is it?

ANN: This is the Pneumatic Linear Origins Transformer.

KERRY: The P.L.O.T Device!

BILLY: How does it work?

KERRY: You pull that lever and out pops a Nobel prize!

MALCOLM: Listen to me, a quark with that much energy will be impossible to contain!

ANN: What would you know? You're a geologist! Why are you even here? That's like hiring a chaos theory mathematician to look at your theme park!

KERRY: Oh, snap! Well said, boss! (offers a high-five, is ignored)

MALCOLM: My degree may only be in geology, but my knowledge is rock solid! Right, guys?

(General hubbub; some scientists agree, some don't.)

ANN: Nobody cares!


ANN: Nobody in the main cast cares!

BILLY: So it's gonna work?

ANN: Look, sometimes in Science you have to take risks. Everything must be approached in a way that is not only a significant way but a scientific endeavour. Experimentation is the key to a fundamental attribution.

BILLY: What?

ANN: Well, to quote Heisenberg, maybe, I guess. What could possibly go wrong?

(ANN puts her hand on the lever. MALCOLM grabs it to stop her. Opening song.

At the end of the song, ANN grabs the lever and pulls it down. Lights out.)

Sketch 2

(The P.L.O.T. device again, with the door ajar and light spilling out.)

(MALCOLM, ANN, KERRY, BILLY and DAVE All gather around. Some other scientists might as well, including the BACKGROUND SCIENTIST from the first sketch wearing a red shirt.)

BILLY: What WAS that?

MALCOLM: Power outage.

(they regard the chamber.)

ANN: It's beautiful!

MALCOLM: It's unfathomable!

DAVE: It's certainly significant.

BILLY: (opening the door) It's empty!

ANN: Are you sure?

BILLY: There's nothing in it.

KERRY: (at the window) There's nothing there -

MALCOLM: Kerry, you're looking out the window.

KERRY: I know, there's nothing there.

(They all gather)

ANN: It's .. empty.

MALCOLM: There's just... blue.

BILLY: Usually I just reboot and it comes back.

(DAVE slaps BILLY.)

KERRY: Where is everything?

ANN: I could've sworn I left existence right here.

MALCOLM: The universe .. it's gone.

DAVE: This is bad. This is really bad. I have a lot of unfinished business in the universe. I left my dog in the universe! Who's going to take care of him?

BILLY: Wait - if the universe is gone why are we still here?

ANN: Simple, I actually built this facility just west of the universe.

MALCOLM: That is the second dumbest thing I have ever heard, and I've been to (UNSW/some revue/whatever else is worth dissing)!

KERRY: All the readings indicate that we created a quark.

MALCOLM: So... where did it go?

ANN: Don't be stupid. This chamber is protected by a... a...

KERRY: An anti-quarkical barrier.

MALCOLM: You mean the chicken wire?

ANN: We might have cut back on a few things, but it's still protected!

MALCOLM: It was open when we got here! Look...

(he opens the door to demonstrate his point. As he does so, the QUARK leans out from behind the chamber on the other side and waves to the audience. MALCOLM, apparently sensing it, closes the door and walks around to look at the other side. As he does, the QUARK leans out from the other side and waves again.

MALCOLM looks thoughtful, then walks around behind the CHAMBER. The QUARK walks around the front, waving, and disappears behind it again as MALCOLM comes out.)

ANN: What the hell are you doing?

MALCOLM: Looking for the quark.

ANN: It's not bloody there! You can't see it anyway! It's too small!

QUARK: (stepping out) THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!!


QUARK: That is also what she said! No, wait...

DAVE: Who are you?

QUARK: I'm yo momma. Oooh burn! Hah. I'm so random.

BILLY: Dad, who is that?

DAVE: Well Billy, he appears to be what we in the world of science refer to as ... a wanker.

KERRY: Oh, snap! (offers high-five, DAVE slaps it away)

QUARK: (placing a finger on the BACKGROUND SCIENTIST's chest) Got a stain.

(he looks down. The QUARK runs a finger up him and flicks his nose)

QUARK: Hah! Gotcha! What does this do?

ANN: Don't touch that!

DAVE: The outside world... what happened to it?

(QUARK points to himself)

DAVE: Yes, you. Do you know what happened to the world?

QUARK: Ate it.


QUARK: I ate it.

MALCOLM: How could you eat the universe?

QUARK: What? Your name wasn't on it. Bam. You got told.

ANN: This isn't possible! You can't eat the universe. It's too big.

QUARK: That's what she said!

ANN: Okay - where the hell did you come from?

QUARK: Machine.

ANN: What?

QUARK: The machine.

KERRY: You came from the P.L.O.T device?

QUARK: No. The coffee machine. Of course the P.L.O.T. device, duh!

DAVE: Are you .. are you the quark?

QUARK: That's my name. Don't wear it out.

MALCOLM: You can't be the quark! Quarks can't talk. Quarks aren't 6 feet tall. Why won't anyone listen to me! This is science!

QUARK: If you guys love science so much why don't you marry it?

ANN: I would if I could.

QUARK: Alright squares, I'm gonna go chill. Catch you losers on the flip side. (leaves, singing the Inspector Gadget theme)

MALCOLM: (appealing for applause from the audience) Who called it? I called it! Anyone?

JITTERY SCIENTIST: Malcolm Tent is right! We're doomed! Doomed!

ANN: Oh, shut up! We need to get to the control room! (leaves with KERRY and some of the scientists.)

JITTERY SCIENTIST: Zoinks! We gotta get out of here! (runs off screaming)

MALCOLM: (to DAVE) We should probably get you out of here. (to the BACKGROUND SCIENTIST) Stay here and lock down the base so it can't escape. I'm counting on you.

(he nods. MALCOLM leaves with DAVE and BILLY and the rest of the scientist.)

BACKGROUND SCIENTIST: (brushing dust off his red shirt) Phew. I sure am glad I'm retiring tomorrow.

(he suddenly clutches at his chest, shocked. He staggers around a bit and collapses into the chamber. It rocks as he transforms.

A moment later he steps out, now a quark. It looks at itself.)

NEW QUARK: (Happy Days thumbs-ups) Ayyyy!

"Voiceover" Interlude

(Somewhere between sketches: Lights up on balcony, JITTERY SCIENTIST enters and sits down on the toilet.)

JITTERY SCIENTIST: The perfect hiding spot. (happy sigh)

(QUARK slowly stands from behind the toilet.)

QUARK: Actually, it's pretty crappy. BAM!

(JITTERY stares at the QUARK in horror and slowly reaches up and flushes. Lights down.)

Sketch 3

(Dim lighting. ANN, KERRY and BARNEY (a security guard) enter. There is a lavatory (or at least a chair) on one of the upper balconies.)

ANN: Good, we're here. Now to solve the quark outbreak problem.

KERRY: ... Of course! I have an idea!

ANN: Well, it sucks. (KERRY pouts.) ...Fine, go ahead.

KERRY: I know why it went wrong! We opened a wormhole to the black hole at the centre of the universe... and black holes lead to OTHER universes! We must have opened a dimensional rift and summoned an alien quark! We need to go back to the Lambda Complex, teleport to that other dimension and kill the quark holding the dimensional portal open!

ANN: No we don't! That's not what happened at all!

KERRY: Why not?

ANN: Because that's the plot of Half-Life! Barney!

BARNEY: The room is secure, ma'am!

ANN: Good! I need to show you something. (waves a tape) You see, we found this fossil that contains footage dating back to the Cretaceous Period.

KERRY: Isn't that a video tape?

ANN: I said, a fossil. And if you view it using this ancient machine we found... (waves VCR)

KERRY: But that's –

ANN: Yes, it's ancient! That's the joke! (starts to hook it up)

(“video”: A bunch of dinosaurs in Dorothy the Dinosaur hats explaining the quarks, how they turn other people into quarks, and how the Jurassic Quark was defeated via meteor)

BARNEY: So what does this have to do with us?

ANN: The only way to stop the quark and get our universe back is to destroy it

BARNEY: How does killing the quark get our universe back?

ANN: Well, imagine that our universe is a diamond engagement ring - and the quark is an annoying and mischievous puppy. Now, if the puppy swallows the diamond ring the way to get it back is to tear apart the puppy and wait for the ring to spill out of its guts. Killing the quark is like putting a knife into the chest of a yapping puppy and pulling out a diamond ring. (sighs) God, I love science!

BARNEY: This Jurassic Quark sounds mighty powerful, if it ate the universe. How do we destroy it?

ANN: Exactly - that's the question. Now, this is an open forum - there are no stupid answers here.

KERRY: We could eat it!

ANN: That's a stupid answer.

KERRY: How about we create a bigger universe that could beat it?

ANN: How?

BARNEY: I liked the eating one better.

KERRY: Alright, fine. I know that this is taboo but .. have we considered using magic?

ANN: Magic isn't even real!

KERRY: Oh yeah? Then how'd David Copperfield get Claudia Schiffer?

ANN: That was a trick.

KERRY: You mean one of those big yellow things with four wheels?

ANN: That's a truck.

KERRY: He can make trucks disappear too.

ANN: That's a trick.

KERRY: I'm confused.

BARNEY: Have we properly considered eating?

KERRY: I've got it! If we reconfigure the lights in this room so that their wavelength equals the wavelength emitted by the Quarks chrono-synthetic core then we can inject a hallogenetic virus and destroy it!

ANN: That doesn't make any sense. That isn't even science. That's drivel.


ANN: Wait... of course! If we go back to the P.LO.T. device and reverse the polarity of the neutron flow, then we can use it to sonically hack into the quarks and order them to degenerate!

KERRY: Oh, wow! You're so smart.

BARNEY: Wouldn't that kill everyone who's been turned into a quark?

ANN: Well, to quote some guy, you can't make an omelette without brutally murdering a bunch of innocent people to cover up your mistakes. We have to hurry! If the quark gets there first he can ENTER the universe and take it over, and we can't stop him! (points to KERRY) Kerry...


ANN: I need you to find Malcolm and tell him everything. Get him to the lab.

KERRY: Got it.

ANN: The quarks are loose in the base. This may be a suicide mission.

KERRY: You can count on me!

ANN: Also, I don't really like Malcolm and he's only a geologist, so this mission is completely pointless.

KERRY: Err...

ANN: Go!

(KERRY leaves.)

ANN: I need to get back to the P.L.O.T. device. Can you cover me?

BARNEY: I think so – look! Over there! A quark!

(A quark is sitting in one of the empty side-rows eating popcorn.)

BARNEY: (raising his gun) I'm going to bag it. You go on ahead. Go!

(ANNE runs for it.)

(BARNEY kneels down and takes aim. As he does, more lights reveal QUARK and a load of newly converted QUARKS standing behind him, grinning like tools. Eventually he notices them.)

BARNEY: Clever girl...

(Lights down as they lunge. If a quark dance number was planned it can probably go here!)

Sketch 4

(a TOUR GROUP elsewhere in the facility, led by SERGEANT TIM. If there are suitable characters the group could be comprised of characters from other sketches and suitable lines could be added. Some have red shirts.)

TIM: Well! This place may have been taken over by the quarks, but you are in luck! Before I became a tour guide, I was a drill sergeant! And I know exactly how to deal with an alien invasion!

TOURIST: But there's never been an alien invasion.

TIM: Yes there is! They're taking our jobs.

(awkward silence)

TIM: Anyway! First things first – stick together! If you absolutely must split up, do not go off on your own! If you absolutely must go off on your own, be as pale as possible! Any questions?

(hands are raised. TIM ignores them.)

TIM: Good! Secondly, remember what not to say! If you say, “Nothing can possibly go wrong,” I will shoot you! If you say “what's the worst that could happen,” you will receive a stern lecture, and then I will shoot you! If you say “So far so good,” it will result in a discharge!

TOURIST #2: But we're not in the army.

TIM: A discharge of my gun into your face!

(MALCOLM, DAVE and BILLY enter.)

MALCOLM: Tim! Great! What's your status?

TIM: We lost a few men to quarks already. (counts on fingers) One guy everyone thought was a jerk anyway, a guy whose name nobody knew, a couple of homosexuals and the token black guy.

DAVE: We need to get these people to safety!

MALCOLM: There is no safe place! This place is being overrun faster than a hot curry through my grandmother!


TIM: Calm down, soldier!

3: You heard him! Nowhere is safe! We're DOOMED! (runs away screaming)

TIM: Wait for it...

(voices heard offstage:)

3: Hello! Are you all right, miss? Wait... your head!

WOMAN: What's wrong? Is my hair terrible?

3: No, those stupid deely bopper things! You're a... (long scream)

(back on stage:)

TIM: (checking his watch) Hm. Lasted a whole ten seconds that time.

1: We're going to die aren't we?

2: Oh, cheer up, huh? It could be w--

(TIM slaps a hand over 2's mouth until he shuts up, then lets go.)

2: I'm just saying, there's no way that – (TIM slaps a hand over his mouth and he takes a while to stop talking.)

TIM: (to MALCOLM) Do you have a plan?

MALCOLM: No, but I know a secret ventilation shaft that will could us straight to the lab. We might be able to barricade ourselves in there and find a way to restore the universe...

BILLY: Why do you have ventilation shafts wide enough for people?

TIM: Do not question the shafts!

MALCOLM: Here, look at these maps... (maps)

(as they study the maps, the tourists cluster together fearfully)

1: Aren't you scared?

2: Nah. Let me show you something. (he reaches into his jacket to get pictures, revealing his red shirt in the process)

(TIM notices, gasps)

2:This is my wife and kids, see, and – (TIM tackles him to the floor)

QUARK: (bursting in) Too slow, cheerio!

TIM: Shit!

(everyone backs away from the QUARK)

QUARK: Aw, come on. Listen, we're having this bitching party down at Security, there's chicks and beer and Mario Kart and everything. Who's with me? (holds out hands)

TIM: Stay back! I'm warning you!

QUARK: That's what she said!


QUARK: Your MUM! Bam! I am on fire today!

(KERRY runs in, stands between everyone and QUARK, is too excited to notice.)

KERRY: Guys! Guys! I just figured out how to stop the quark and bring back the universe without killing anyone! (raises hand) HIGH FIVE!

(the QUARK grins and high fives him. Lights out. General screaming and running about.)

(lights on. QUARK and KERRY are missing. Band members are now dressed as quarks.)

1: Oh, crap!

MALCOLM: Quick, who got touched?

(everyone shrugs and then panics)

TIM: SHUT UP! (calm) Thank you. Now then... (loads gun) My old job in the army was catching terrorists, so I know exactly what to do!

(he accosts a fourth tourist at random.)

TIM: You! You're a quark!

4: Aaah! No I'm not!

TIM: Shut up! (slap) Prove you're not a quark!

4: HOW?!

TIM: (to MALCOLM) How long can I hold him without trial for?

MALCOLM: We don't have time! We need to get to the lab and figure out Kerry's plan before the quarks do!

TIM: Kerry's plan? Wasn't he the guy who painted his toaster red so it would go faster?

MALCOLM: We can figure out our own plan! Come on!

(they move for an exit, but a band member steps out to block them. Another one blocks the other exit. Everyone runs screaming through the audience.)

Sketch 5

(back at the lab with the P.L.O.T. device. Ann is there, working. Then MALCOLM, DAVE, BILLY and TIM burst in.)

ANN: There you are! Quick, help me!

(they rush over)

ANN: Okay, I'm going to reverse the polarity of the neutron flow.

MALCOLM: That's it? That's your plan?

ANN: What's wrong with it?

MALCOLM: That's your solution for everything! Machine is broken? Reverse the polarity! Charging rhino? Reverse the polarity! Out of toilet paper? Reverse the polarity!

ANN: Oh, come on! When have I ever made a mistake?

(MALCOLM just stares.)

ANN: Oh, shut up and get over here!

MALCOLM: Fine! (he helps)

BILLY: What's reversing the polarity do?

DAVE: Solves everything.

BILLY: Neat! How do you do it?

ANN: You take this battery out and put it in the other way round.

BILLY: Wow! Science is so cool!

(they reverse the polarity)

TIM: Hurry up!

MALCOLM: (grabs lever) Here goes nothing... (pull, nothing happens)

DAVE: Is that it?

QUARK: (bursting in) THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!

(a lot of quarks pour in after him; TIM tries to hold them at bay with his gun for now)

QUARK: (singing and dancing badly as he inches closer) It's close to miiiidnight, and some... thing, something, something, something, something quark...

TIM: Well? Any ideas? I can't hold them off for long, I don't even have any ammo!

ANN: (investigating) Oh, no! The crystalline core is damaged! Where will we get a crystal to replace it?

MALCOLM: Stand back! (produces crystal and poses) I'm a geologist! (he replaces the core)

ANN: Now I'll use my sonic drill to focus the P.L.O.T. radiation into its BRAIN! (pulls out a power drill and whirrs it at the quark; nothing happens)

DAVE: It didn't work?

MALCOLM: Of course it didn't work! It makes no sense!

QUARK: Your FACE makes no sense! (he advances; the others back away against the device)

ANN: SHUT UP! There's not enough power! The P.L.O.T. device is powered by nuclear fusion using an isotope so volatile, it only has a quarter-life! There's not enough left to stop it!

MALCOLM: Wait! Now that the polarity is reversed, we could make... an ANTI-QUARK!

ANN: We don't have much time!

DAVE: Looks like you need a distraction. (heroic pose, dramatic music, and he puts a hand on BILLY's shoulder) Billy, I'm sorry, but this is goodbye. One of us has more to live for. Do you understand?

BILLY: I... I think so.

DAVE: Tell your mother goodbye for me, son.

BILLY: I love you, dad!

DAVE: I love you too, son.

(they embrace, then DAVE shoves BILLY into the quarks, who descend upon him as he screams. MALCOLM and ANN get to work.)

TIM: Are you sure the anti-quark will be strong enough? He has the universe in his tummy!

DAVE: Can't we weaken him?

ANN: Wait! The universe in his belly... that makes him a SINGULARITY!

MALCOLM: So we can get the universe out of him with a big bang!

DAVE: Of course! (heruns up and kicks the QUARK in the nadgers)

QUARK: Aaah! Right in the protons!

DAVE: Quick, do it!

MALCOLM: Now! (he throws the lever and a female ANTI-QUARK steps out)

QUARK: (gasp) You're beautiful!

ANTI-QUARK: (gasp) Oh, quark!

ANN: They're attracted to each other! It's working!

(they embrace, then the QUARK turns to them.)

QUARK: I'm sorry. I... I just wanted a friend. A companion. It's so lonely, at the centre of the universe, and I don't have that many friends on Myspace and... (he holds the ANTI-QUARK's hand) Thank you. I'll go now.

MALCOLM: Er... you're welcome, I guess?

ANN: Great! PLEASE pull out, this is really awkward.


(he high-fives the ANTI-QUARK and the lights go out with a rumble of thunder; when they come back on, the QUARK and ANTI-QUARK are gone and the other quarks are back to normal and confused.)

DAVE: (rushes to window) It worked! Everyone's normal and there's universe outside!

TIM: Wait, that was it? God, this is going to be awkward... I shot like thirty quarks! (beat) Oh, who cares!

KERRY: Has anyone seen my wife?

MALCOLM: Hey, now that this is over... do you want to get some coffee?

ANN: Really? I've been a pretty negative person today, are you sure you're attracted to me?

MALCOLM: I'm positive.